New House Chaos is Okay by Me

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

We have been in the house for month now and we are enjoying it quite a lot. For starters, it is much  warmer than the old house and the configuration of the space works much better for us as well.

When it comes to settling in, the struggle is real.

Every room is kind of there, but not quite. There are still so many clothes to sort through, which I honestly don't always have the energy for. The play room / study is a mess which I am making progress with, but it is far from perfect. The kitchen is pretty much there with just a few things we are not sure we are happy with so we may or may not move them around at some point. 

I am not overly bothered by the whole thing, mainly because my kids are fine. I wish I could find a space for every item and have everything perfect, but I am not that woman. I doubt I will ever have an Instagram or Pinterest house. 

We put so much pressure on ourselves to be that; to show everyone that we are together and on the ball. Growing up, it was keeping up with the Jones's and now-a-days it's keeping up with the impossible standards created by the curated content of social media. Life is not curated, and should not be. It should be lived and enjoyed. 

I struggle with the emotional roller coaster created by my brain so everyday life is not always easy for me but loving my daughters and feeling eternally lucky to have them is the easiest, most healing thing and it makes even the most challenging moments better. They have taught me what happiness feels like so I know what to strive for. I go through ups and downs, but lately I have started to feel much better, and although I have always struggled with self-esteem and self-image, the self-loathing is currently at quite a low ebb. It feels amazing to not despise oneself. I think Mr C is also very happy about it cos it really upsets him when I am unkind to myself.

One of the things that has actually helped me, although I did find watching it quite triggering, was a series called My Mad Fat Diary. Another thing that has helped immeasurably is actually getting help in the form of counselling through the NHS. It has helped kick off the transformation in how I perceive myself by allowing me to realise that others don't see me as I do. It was quite the revelation. 

Life is full of distorted perceptions and social media seems to be working at full tilt to perpetuate the distortion all in the name of driving consumer demand. Apparently it is not enough that we like nice things and enjoy shopping sometimes. We need to feel desperately inadequate without the accoutrements and thus feel compelled to buy the latest statement piece that in reality, says very little about you.

I am happy with my little life, even though today chaos reigns. There will always be a little bit of mess and a lot of crazy, and I think I am okay with that. 

That is all.

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